What are we DOING here?

I am waiting for a return phone call. And debating how soon is too soon to just call again.

I am reading Lindy West's Shrill. Well, in the sense that I have read some of it and I intend to read some more of it soon. I'm not actually reading it right now. The day I figure out how to read and write at the same time, man, watch out. I will be unstoppable. (You guys. Shrill is so good. Go find a copy and put your eyeballs in it.)

I am wondering if licking the refrigerator might hurt the dog (golden retriever, four and a half months), and if so, how much? Because while she's licking the fridge, she's not attacking my toes or asking to go out AGAIN or stalking the cat or climbing a bookcase (true story). This is the third time there has been a four-and-a-half-month-old dog in my life. I had forgotten the part about needing CONSTANT ATTENTION when they're not asleep. So. Licking the refrigerator. Probably fine. Right?

I am weighing my options for dinner. I'm probably going out in a bit. I could go to the store, get some pork chops, some applesauce, maybe a veg. Cook. I could do that. Or I could order pizza. I should make the pork chops. But. Cheese. Cheese is a miracle; melty cheese incandescently so. Cheese always wins.

I am regretting the decision to lounge in bed with a catalogue this morning so that I didn't have time to get a shower before the dog woke up. (It featured artificial Christmas trees that fold up into position like some Victorian lady's upside-down hoop skirts. What is this strange magic and is it a threat to the children?) So I'm still unwashed. It's 12:42 in the p.m., and I haven't bathed today. Livin' the good life.

I am trying to remember my password to the NBA app so I can make it tell me when the basketball starts. I have spent approximately 3,412 times more temporal units on this exercise than it would have taken me to Google "NBA Fall 2016 Schedule." But now it's personal.

I am starting a blog. Again. I am determined to stick with it. I will be erudite and poignant and on point. I am going to post book reviews and pop culture nonsense and maybe some junk about politics and stuff. I'm going to be eloquent as shit.

I am.